Slurpers

The classic Asian slurper was a law unto himself and could mostly be seen frequenting front rooms, weddings and family get togethers. He would set the tone by making a slapping noise with his mouth when he ate. Chicken legs – rice – rotee and curry – in that order.

You could see the half-chewed food in his mouth. Whilst eating he would make wise cracks about how people were so much more civilised back in his native lands. In between eating he would then slurp the water. It wasn’t even hot.

The funny thing was, back in the day, this was almost a respectable thing to do. I recollect sitting next to a major religious figure once who was nothing less than a filthy eater. He did to food what Donald Trump did to Twitter.

Having said the prayers he went on to put on the greatest slapping and slurping display the world had ever seen.

He ate like it was his last meal and then drunk water like a horse. We might have forgiven him if he was elderly. But he wasn’t.

And not a single person said a single word.

It was not frowned upon at all and I have to admit to have been a quality slurper in my time. I would mostly do this when trying to drink desi tea. I would down English tea normally but when it came to desi tea...well I slurped. It was and still is the done thing.

Despite our new found wealth and our belief that we are in some way better than our forefathers because we wear jubbahs whilst they wore pyjamas, our manners have not got any better.

Slurpers are making a comeback and can now be seen frequenting restaurants in their droves. You could blame the mothers but then you meet the mothers.

Of course seeing the female of the species eat like a khuta has to be one of the most intriguing sights on the planet. We want to look away but she is what she is.

And she couldn’t give a flying****. What a woman.